Sometimes you just want to shut yourself off from the world and think...

Me, looking pensive as I write.
A photo just so you have a photo to look at while reading this.

I woke up this morning wanting to do something nice for someone else. I was in a really good mood despite that I wasted an hour trying on everything I owned and only finally settled on what I wore because if I spent any more time getting ready I would be even more late than I was already going to be. I spent my entire drive to work today wondering how I could make someone else's (or everyone else's) day a little better. But I should have known something was up. Every time I get one of these urges to do something kind for someone else, my day quickly turns into a test of patience or a war with myself.

Of course, still in my good mood, I let the people who cut me off in traffic whiz by without shaking my fist in the air or honking at them- instead, I said what my Princess Nana always says, "Maybe it's an emergency. I hope they get to where they need to go safely".

I greeted people with big smiles on the elevators, and instead of avoiding eye contact, I spoke pleasantly about the weather or whatever else seemed to occupy their minds at the time. This used to be a regular me. I used to love people, I used to feel a strong urge to always help people, but since moving away from Tennessee, I have become a little hardened, a little disheartened by inconsiderate people and selfishness so blatantly on display, and worst of all, have even adopted a few of these bad habits myself. But more so, I have become aware of just how much people take others for granted, how I take others for granted, how they take me for granted. Why do we do that? Why is it so easy for us to do it?

Truthfully, with all the horrible things happening around the world and the horrible things happening right in our backyards, not to mention our daily encounters with others, I am surprised so many people find the energy to be kind or happy at all. Watching the news everyday has become discouraging, only because they focus on the sensationalist stories which are more often than not tragic or anger-inducing. Stupidity is glorified on TV. Frienemies are a staple of following the it-girl mentality. Maybe it is laziness or a generation of "it's not my fault no matter what" excuses, but whatever it is, I am tired of being surrounded by it on a daily basis. It is so easy to act this way, are we all just taking the easy way out?

I don't think I really helped anyone today. Instead I was distracted by my ever-encroaching "me-mentality" and despite a few of my efforts, I was unsuccessful and mostly received sideway glances more than anything. Most people (where I am), when you try to help, are only considering your ulterior motive- flirting, sucking-up, trying to get information out of you, etc. The last thing people seem to consider is maybe you just wanted to help someone, maybe you are just a good person (or at least for a moment you are trying to be), or maybe you just woke up this morning with an urge to help someone else.

I am far from perfect, and if I was a better person I would probably say I am only being tested in my strength and my courage to overcome unfavorable-circumstances and still prevail regardless of them, but it is hard to believe much of anything but the worst these days. My faith in myself, and my faith in others is shaken on a daily basis and it has become a daily struggle to feel anything but indifference (can you feel indifference? ha ha) or strife. In fact, as I write this, I can already hear people whispering about it later, or laughing about amongst themselves. I can even see myself deleting this tomorrow morning when I have renewed my spirit and regained (from only He knows where) a new confidence in others.

This is more along the lines of a letter I would send to a friend (Jana & Kelsey!) and I could go on and on about this subject (as if I haven't already done so), but I doubt you would be interested in reading it considering the more-emotional I get in my blog posts, the less people actually seem to respond to them. So for reading this far, I will at least leave you with a post within a post:

Something Is Missing

Last week, I looked down and made a shocking discovery... one of the main diamonds in my wedding ring had fallen out! I looked down at it and my jaw dropped but that was about it. I should have been freaking out, but I knew we had insurance so it wasn't a huge ordeal. Still though, I was kind of surprised at how I wasn't as angry sentimentally-speaking.

All-in-all though, I think I felt like it was more on-par than anything. Something is missing in my life right now. Husband is in Tennessee doing his internship for the summer, did I mention that? And while he is missing, I am missing him like crazy.